Faux News: Stray Cat Turf War Turns Deadly

A turf war between rival stray cat gangs is still going strong after a deadly fight broke out early Wednesday morning near Burdick Hall.

After resources had become scarce near Fox Run apartments, the Erbach gang ventured out in search of food. The feeder placed on the outside of Burdick Hall was the gang’s best bet.

Upon arrival, they were ambushed by the Torreyson gang, one that has been pitted against the Erbach gang since the university’s founding in 1907.

“Meow meow meow. Meow meow, meow meow,” Erbach gang leader Milo said.

From Google Translate: “They came out of nowhere and our numbers are down after a bad traffic day on Donaghey. We didn’t stand a chance.”

Milo is currently under hospice care for his injuries in Erbach 108, or at least until the building’s Registered Assistant finds out and throws Milo back out onto the unforgiving streets of west Conway.

Torreyson gang leader Hershey had harsh words to say about the attack and claims to regret nothing, citing numerous instances when Milo and his gang pulled the same maneuver on them when they, too, went out in search of food.

“Hiss hiss meow,” Hershey said, spitting while he did so. “Meow meow meow, [unintelligible hissing noise]. “

(The Echo Online does not permit or condone this type of language. Go to translate.google.com to read the full translation.)

Hershey and his gang of strays attacked Milo’s brethren after they approached the feeder, resulting in a 40-minute brawl which left the area littered with loose cat hair and urine. Two gang members from Erbach and three from Torreyson died as a result. Several others were wounded, although some were able to find shelter in sympathetic students’s apartments.

“Meow, meow meow mrawr meow,” Milo said. “Meow meow meow.”

From Google Translate: We were able to get a substantial amount of food, but was it really worth it all? Mr. Meowgi and Oreo would agree that it wasn’t…if they were still here.

Both the administration and UCAPD are aware of the ongoing turf war between the gangs but unable to end the violence, leaving President Tom Courtway no choice but to hire a certified “cat whisperer” in the hopes that future bloodshed can be avoided. The board of trustees will vote on a potential candidate during its Feb. 21 meeting, along with finalizing a beginning salary of $105,000 for the future employee.

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