1. Open the curtains
As the daylight streams in, you will experience your first look at the outside world. Do not be alarmed. Your hermit-like tendencies may cause you to recoil into yourself. However, it is worth the risk. Brush your layers of candy wrappers off the bed and close out of your Netflix. Your newfound ability of leaving your bed will lead you to all sorts of places, maybe even to the “15 Places for Afternoon Tea You Must Visit.” You may find real life an advantageous replacement to the dreary life of a Buzzfeed junkie.
2. Turn on your FarmVille Requests
You will immediately be struck with a continuous flow of game requests that will never end. There will be a variety of Candy Crush Saga, Kim Kardashian: Hollywood and even some Texas Hold’em notifications. All of your random acquaintances will soon need your desperate help in defending their Clash of Clans. Though doing this will prevent you from leading a productive life, Buzzfeed posts, though pervasive, could never keep up with this kind of excessive activity. Either way, kiss your day goodbye.
3. Set your computer on fire
Solve the problem quickly and effectively with only gasoline and a couple of matches. Feel free to grab a blowtorch. No more computer. No more Internet. No more Buzzfeed. Your life will be computer, school and productivity free. You will become a stress-free guru. When choosing this option, be sure to stay away from close acquaintances, as they will wonder why you do not respond to the posts they tag you comparing your friendship to “Mean Girls.” And we all know how that story ends.
4. Set yourself on fire
This is not only useful as an “Arrested Development” reference to express your response to life’s hardships. Fire is a dramatic solution for every dilemma, including avoiding the need to find out “Which Disney Princess are You?” Though burn wounds and trauma may occur, you will be physically unable to use any technological devices. Not to mention, hospital pudding is delicious. After a long visit to the hospital, BuzzFeed will be put into its perspective place.
5. Join a monastery in Nepal
Your newly pious lifestyle will definitely place all technology out of your reach. The daily rituals and the beautiful landscape will distract you from your BuzzFeed-ridden life. You will soon embrace your new robe and completely forget about “10 Ways Men are Dressing Wrong.” Celibacy will also remove the need for the entirety of Buzzfeed’s relationship advice articles, allowing a more holistic and permanent approach to singleness, which means you don’t have to worry about your crush seeing you bald-headed.
