The UCA Hipsters, a registered student organization, has once again brought danger to campus.
They’re everywhere. The beanies, the cigarettes, the crappy underground music that’s not as good as Pitchfork says it is. It’s all part of their plan.
“I bought this new beanie last weekend and just love it,” said sophomore Jenna Keene, slowly stepping out of the haze of cigarette smoke encircling campus. “And pretty soon, everyone will love it so much that they’ll go out and buy one, too. Soon, all will join us.”
Keene was once like everyone else, naive and normal. Now, she spends most of her hours listening to The xx and smoking Camel menthols by the coin wash on Farris Road.
Senior Ryan Koser, the president of UCA Hipsters and an evil mastermind, told reporters that he’s happy with the progress the group has made over the past few weeks.
“Near the end of October, we only distributed a few beanies,” Koser said, apparently unaware that his leather jacket makes him look like a total douche. “But look around now and you see that almost everyone has one. It’s all going according to plan. Just last week I got this stupid little freshman who still thought Adele was the best singer alive to take a drag of my cigarette. I watched his face as he ‘turned.’ Now he’s one of us. He’s quite the acoustic guitar player, actually.”
While students have managed to fight them off in the past, most say they are worried that this year could be different. According to reports, even Hendrix students are keeping their distance from UCA’s campus for fear that they, too, will turn into a pretentious art or philosophy major with no hope of a career.